Article at a glance<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
By exploring the relationships between adults, children and young people, as well as their respective needs, this article invites parents and teachers to question their educational practices and offers concrete tools to support their reflection.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Keywords: quality relationships, emotional regulation, availability, rules for living together, needs<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n <\/p>\n\n \u201cBeing a parent, being a teacher: the most beautiful and most difficult jobs in the world.\u201d This phrase is widely echoed in public debate. It reflects the concerns surrounding the education of children and young people. Current social and cultural transformations are profoundly reshaping forms of educational authority. It is therefore necessary to rethink the educational frameworks that underpin child\/adult relationships. Today\u2019s young people are growing up in a more individualised and interconnected world, marked by immediate and extensive access to information, which gives rise to new educational challenges. At the same time, the rise in anxiety and depressive disorders among young people (OECD, 2026<\/a>) is further intensifying questions around education and making it a central concern. Rather than stopping at this twofold observation \u2014 social change and psychological distress \u2014 it is useful to refocus the reflection on the three main areas presented below, in order to define the issue more clearly and encourage action. <\/p>\n\n Quality relationships: Establishing a bond based on mutual respect, consideration and trust, while keeping in mind the asymmetrical nature of educational action: it is not fair to demand respect and consideration from a child if adults themselves do not model respect and consideration. Building a quality relationship, whether at school or within the family, is based on three pillars: mutual respect, consideration and trust. Respect cannot be imposed; it is built day by day through the adult\u2019s role-modelling, sincere words, attentive listening and genuine recognition of the other person. Considering the child, and being considered by them, means recognising one another as full persons through gestures, smiles, looks, words and concrete actions. \u201cI exist in the other person\u2019s gaze; the other person exists in my gaze.\u201d Robert Neuburger<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n This quality of relationship is built gradually through the adult\u2019s exemplary behaviour, as well as through regular, sincere and reassuring interactions. The relationship with adults plays a central role in children\u2019s well-being and development. The findings of the literature review conducted by Claude Martin, Zo\u00e9 Perron and Julia Buzaud (2019) converge in placing the relationships that children and young people have with those close to them, especially their parents, at the heart of the factors that determine child and youth well-being in France. <\/p>\n\n A quality relationship is made possible by the adult\u2019s availability and their ability to regulate their emotions. For the adult, this means finding the right balance between presence and autonomy. The challenge is to be attentive, to listen genuinely, to encourage and to provide constructive feedback, while leaving the child the space they need to develop. <\/p>\n\n In this process, emotional regulation is central. Adults, like children, experience intense emotions: learning to step back, delay a reaction or calm down helps everyone avoid escalation and protect the relationship. Consistency between the adult\u2019s words and actions, as well as continuity between educational practices at school and at home, strengthens trust and the legitimacy of authority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Within the family, sharing a meal, talking during a journey, playing, cooking or reading a story all create and sustain the relationship. These shared moments nurture the bond and contribute to the construction of the child\u2019s identity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n At school, positive interactions between teachers and pupils \u2014 small-group work, encouragement, caring exchanges or fair redirection \u2014 also contribute to children\u2019s well-being. They reduce behavioural difficulties and support learning. It is therefore important to offer teaching activities that foster these positive relational dynamics in the classroom. The four volumes in the Growing up in Peace collection make this work possible.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n <\/p>\n\n At school, positive interactions between teachers and pupils \u2014 small-group work, encouragement, caring exchanges or fair redirection \u2014 also contribute to children\u2019s well-being. They reduce behavioural difficulties and support learning. It is therefore important to offer teaching activities that foster these positive relational dynamics in the classroom. The four volumes in the Growing up in Peace<\/a> collection make this work possible. <\/p>\n\n Jean-Paul Gaillard (2023) reminds us that we have entered a new educational era: models based on obedience and vertical authority no longer correspond to today\u2019s realities. Rethinking the framework therefore requires concrete adjustments, adapted to each context, with a clarification of the limits that fall under the adult\u2019s responsibility. <\/p>\n\n An educational framework is essential in order to secure the relationship. The aim is not to multiply rules, but to make them clear, coherent and fair. A distinction can therefore be made between: <\/p>\n\n The adult defines the non-negotiable rules, explains them and takes responsibility for them. These rules evolve as the child develops. The adult decides on the rules not because they \u201cdominate\u201d the child, but because they have a major responsibility towards them: these non-negotiable rules exist to guarantee the child\u2019s safety and health, and the adult has more in-depth knowledge of these subjects. This decision-making power entails significant responsibilities and, once again, exemplarity is often more essential than words that are not embodied in action. <\/p>\n\n This distinction helps clarify expectations, reduce tensions and involve the child in understanding the framework. When non-negotiable rules are not respected, the response should involve restorative rather than punitive consequences. When there has been a breach, restorative consequences aim to give meaning to the outcome: repairing, apologising, putting things back in order or contributing to the situation concerned. <\/p>\n\n Examples of non-negotiable rules<\/strong><\/p>\n\n This framework, both clear and evolving, supports the child\u2019s progressive development of responsibility while maintaining a secure and structuring environment.<\/p>\n\n The adult acts as a model in respecting this framework and the rules for living together. In this respect, they show exemplarity by recognising and repairing their own mistakes when they adopt inappropriate behaviour. For example, they apologise to a child if they have hurt their feelings. Through their own behaviour, they also demonstrate the attitudes expected when interacting with other adults. Repair should not be seen as a systematic response or a \u201ccatch-all\u201d concept that avoids questioning one\u2019s own practices. On the contrary, it is part of a reflective approach based on stepping back, observing and analysing one\u2019s own professional stance. <\/p>\n\n <\/p>\n\n Adjusting responses to children\u2019s behaviours requires a stance of stepping back and observing. The idea is to better understand the needs and emotions that underlie actions and words. Parents and teachers are therefore invited to develop a central skill: observation. Taking the time to look, listen and question what the child is experiencing helps us better understand their reactions and respond more appropriately. In the same way, taking the time to observe one\u2019s own reactions makes it possible to adjust one\u2019s responses towards children. <\/p>\n\n Children\u2019s behaviours can be better understood when we look at what underlies them: emotions, needs and frustrations. As Edouard Gentaz (2023) explains, difficult behaviour is often the expression of an unmet need or a difficulty in regulating an emotion. Identifying these signals makes it possible to intervene in a fairer and more respectful way. <\/p>\n\n This approach transforms the educational relationship: the adult no longer simply reacts to the visible behaviour, but seeks to understand its origin. This allows for a response that is both firm about the framework and attentive to the person. The point is not to accept everything \u2014 non-negotiable rules still apply, even when the emotion is understood \u2014 but to understand better in order to intervene better. <\/p>\n\n This interpretive framework links observed behaviours \u2014 at the centre of the wheel \u2014 with the child\u2019s presumed needs. It makes it possible to reconcile high expectations with kindness. When a child feels understood, they are more able to cooperate and integrate the rules. The framework is, of course, not exhaustive. It presents needs that are often associated with certain behaviours. Other needs may need to be explored with the child or with the help of a healthcare professional, especially where there are signs of persistent distress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div> <\/p>\n\n L\u2019autonomie et la responsabilit\u00e9 ne se d\u00e9cr\u00e8tent pas : elles se construisent progressivement dans un environnement \u00e0 la fois structurant et soutenant. Fran\u00e7ois Tadd\u00e9i (2018) met en avant l\u2019importance de d\u00e9velopper des formes d\u2019apprentissage qui encouragent la curiosit\u00e9, l\u2019initiative et la capacit\u00e9 \u00e0 apprendre \u00e0 apprendre, dans une logique de responsabilisation graduelle des enfants et des jeunes. Dans le domaine scolaire, Philippe Meirieu (2021) rappelle \u00e9galement que l\u2019autonomie de l\u2019\u00e9l\u00e8ve se d\u00e9veloppe gr\u00e2ce \u00e0 un cadre exigeant mais bienveillant, permettant l\u2019exercice progressif du choix et des responsabilit\u00e9s. <\/p>\n\n \u201cEverything that is done for me, without me, is done against me.\u201d Nelson Mandela<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n This quote by Mandela resonates with the scale of autonomy and responsibility proposed here. It represents an evolving pathway: moving from dependence to autonomy requires constant support, based on relationships, framework and trust, both at the heart of school learning and within the family. <\/p>\n\n <\/p>\n\n What if none of this works? Some children, particularly those with behavioural disorders or traumatic experiences, do not respond immediately to this approach. In such cases, maintaining the framework \u2014 with clear and predictable consequences \u2014 and seeking specialised support, such as child psychiatrists, psychologists or early childhood educators, may be necessary. Bilheran, A. (2009). L\u2019autorit\u00e9<\/em>. Paris, France : Armand Colin. <\/p>\n\n Gaillard, J.-P. (2023). Enfants et adolescents en mutation : mode d\u2019emploi pour les parents, \u00e9ducateurs, enseignants et th\u00e9rapeutes<\/em>. Paris, France : ESF \u00c9diteur. <\/p>\n\n Gentaz, \u00c9. (2023). Comment les \u00e9motions viennent aux enfants<\/em>. Paris, France: Nathan. <\/p>\n\n Greene, R. W. (2017). L\u2019enfant explosif<\/em>. Consult\u00e9 \u00e0 l\u2019adresse : L\u2019enfant explosif (PDF)<\/a> <\/p>\n\n Martin, C., Perron, Z., & Buzaud, J. (2019). Le bien-\u00eatre de l\u2019enfant : \u00e9volution d\u2019une notion, ambigu\u00eft\u00e9s des dimensions et mesures. Enfances, Familles, G\u00e9n\u00e9rations<\/em>, (33). https:\/\/journals.openedition.org\/efg\/9185<\/a> <\/p>\n\nIntroduction<\/h2>\n\n
How can quality relationships be built?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n
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\n\nAvailability and emotional regulation<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n
![\"A](\"https:\/\/grainesdepaix.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/Image1-1320x1320.jpg\")
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\n\n![\"Table](\"https:\/\/grainesdepaix.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/Image1.png\")
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\n\nHow can shared rules for living together be established?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n
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Towards a clarified framework: non-negotiable \/ negotiable<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n
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Educational framework: a renewed view of behaviours<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n
![\"Emotional](\"https:\/\/grainesdepaix.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/Image2.png\")
<\/figure><\/div>\n\nHow can autonomy and responsibility be built progressively?<\/h2>\n\n
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\n\n![\"Scale](\"https:\/\/grainesdepaix.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/Image3.png\")
<\/figure>\n\nConclusion<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n\nBibliography:<\/h2>\n\n